International Conflict
by Herr Fritz
Summary: Sherlock practices a new deducing exercise- matching people with the nations they are most like.  This leads to some interesting revelations, and brazen Norway-glorification.


**Along with my disclaimer of not owning either the characters or nations, If I am to be completely honest, this is less a story than an shameless elaborated glorification of Norway- my homeland and love of my life. Don't worry though; the end ties my brazen biases together with the perfect amount of Sherlock and John sappiness!**

**Oh, I should also mention there are significant amounts of both fact and stereotype in this story. You should be able to separate the two from each other; I should also mention that all the stereotypes in here are for amusement. No insult is intended, even when it comes to Denmark (darn nation rivalry).**

/

Sherlock has never been much for history. Who cares what nation fought who, and what land was reclaimed when? All that really mattered was the present, anyway.

Little by little, though, John seemed to be attempting to enlighten Sherlock about history. He claimed it was 'important' to know what countries did, how they interacted, and why Sherlock should never raise his arm out to hail a taxi in his normal manner when he went to Germany. It was something to do with blondes, Sherlock recalled...

Lately, though, Sherlock has found himself unable to delete the trivial facts about nations John has been endeavoring to teach him. Lately, it seems, the more he interacts with people, the more he comprehends international attributes. In fact, if Sherlock dared to realize, he was taking the bits of history he knew and was matching up nations with people he knew. He was _classifying _people with countries!

Sherlock refused to let John know what went on in his mind whenever the good doctor began another history lecture. In anything, his analytical thoughts could be explained away as a classification exercise. That could easily explain who he kept comparing himself to Norway.

The more he thought about it, the more it made sense to Sherlock. Both he and Norway were totally self-sufficient, and just maybe the pinnacles of cultural perfection. Sherlock had no qualms with narcissism. It was also when John began a tangent on the United Nations that Sherlock realized Norway was his perfect fit. If the people he knew were the countries of Europe, then it went without saying that he and Norway found those in the UN horribly irritating. But the cherry topping of similarities between him and his nation was Påskecrim. Eastercrime. Every Easter in Norway the shops would fill with crime novels, crime movies, and detective gear, both real and fake. One day of the year, the nation would amass with an unquenchable passion for mystery and crime. While Sherlock's love for deducing would never be satisfied with one day a year, it was divine revelation enough for Sherlock to consider ending his little analyzing exercise right there and applying for Norwegian citizenship.

The next time John insisted on a history lesson, Sherlock discovered that Germany was the perfect match for Lestrade. It couldn't be avoided that both nations had strong military histories, and a dedication to the law, but the modern revelations were equally, and more kindly, accurate. Both the man and the nation held firm to their convictions; they had honor, and were a symbol of respect.

Anderson also had been partnered up with a country, Sherlock had admitted, though strangely not begrudgingly. No, Anderson was no source of annoyance here- in fact- he was perfectly suited to the role of North Korea. The only nation that could stand to be around him was China. Or, if Sherlock was so bold as to name its protégée: Donovan. Donovan and Anderson were as tight as the diplomacy that held their countries, with all the bonus antagonism the nations held to the other nations. Finally, what held true for Donovan also rang fast with China. They were both a bother to deal with, but they were important enough that they couldn't be avoided.

Molly- it wouldn't be fair to leave her a blank- Sherlock realized. A quick scan of his brain had led him to the simple conclusion that she was a good fit with France, seeing that both were acquired tastes, they were so easily looked down upon, but one couldn't help but pity them, seeing that they were both so weak.

As long as Sherlock was on the characterizing of women, he found it difficult to avoid thinking of Sarah. Without a doubt, she was Puntland. John hadn't taught Sherlock about that land, but Sherlock had done a quick internet search for 'obscure, unimportant countries', and it was the first to come up. As a bonus, Puntland wasn't even recognized as a nation by the majority of world superpowers; just as Sarah would never be recognized by Sherlock as John's girlfriend, no matter how much the two 'partners' would try to convince him.

Dimmock was simple for Sherlock, hardly worth mentioning. From the moment the detective had met the DI, he had known him to be a pure _Spain_. He always insisted he was correct, was far too prideful to take logical corrections, and was sure to get the horns if he didn't lose his arrogance and stop trying to run with the _real _bulls.

Mycroft came as a bit of a puzzle to his younger brother. All the first signs lead the detective to infer his sibling was Sweden - it and Norway certainly had enough rivalry between them, but something hadn't been right. It was only when John briefly brought up Denmark in a conversation that everything clicked for Sherlock. The match between Mycroft and Denmark was perfect! The animosity felt between Norway and Denmark bordered on absolute detestation, much more fitting to the younger brother, as well as the fact that Danish pastries brought up unwanted memories of pre-diet Mycroft.

Sherlock hadn't meant to include Moriarty in his little exercise, but a snide mention of America by John sealed the deal. There was very little reason for Moriarty to be anything else, when Sherlock summed up America's international policy. Though not sounding polite, it seemed that the U.S.'s goal was world expansion, domination, and consumer corruption. Minus the 'consumer' bit, and that was Moriarty entirely. After figuring his nemesis, Sherlock determined once and for all that this exercise was never to leave his mind. If his classifications were to be known, he wasn't sure who would be more offended at his most recent pairing: America for being linked to Moriarty, or Moriarty for being labeled as America.

John had given countless lectures since his initial claim to enlighten Sherlock on the world, yet through none of them the detective had found any nation to represent his good doctor. Lichtenstein was an insult; Afghanistan was plausible, but only as a cruel, inside joke; Italy was too far to seriously consider; Ireland was a disturbingly close reference to Moriarty; and Poland was just a desperate grab for available nations.

However, during a stretch of time between John's lectures, _it_ came to Sherlock. The nation that best suited John. The country that best captured John's jumper-wearing, tea-brewing, butt-kicking, detective-trailing, self.

England. John was the nation that all those Sherlock knew adored. John could weather the stormiest of days, stir forth the best in Sherlock, and inspire all the other nations with his rustic charm and marvel ingenuity, all in the same manner and glory of their motherland.

And even more so, more secret than the exercise itself, Sherlock knew what made John and England so sublime together. England -_John_- was Sherlock's home, and even Sherlock knew that home was where the heart was.


End file.
